Thoughts On Being Two People At Once

WARNING: This is a ramble. A senseless, hormone-ridden, spacy, unconnected ramble which most probably will not make sense to anyone besides myself (and probably not even myself after a few days). If that disturbs you, close the window now.

For all brave (aka crazy) people who kept reading...

I suppose I should start at the beginning (the last natural place) and announce my news.

I'm pregnant.

Yes, I know this is a fairly obvious result of getting married, and yes this is exactly what we hoped for, but shock and surprise still course through my body on a regular basis. I AM PREGNANT. In other words, there is another human being inside me. Two of us. I'm no longer one person, I'm two.

Confusing. Amazing. Bewildering.

I discovered I was pregnant a week and a half ago. The baby is due on the 25 of July (I think). I'd been feeling sick for a week, but simply assumed it was my period coming on - till I realized my period was almost two weeks late. I realized THAT fact at work, and ended up getting so excited I drove into town at 10 PM to get the test. After two positive results, I drove home to tell Daddy the news. Talk about special. Those first three days of wild, bubbly, insane excitement and happiness are going to be memories I can't wait to share with our baby.

Now, two weeks later, reality has kicked in. This is going to be a BIG JOB. Actually, it's just the start of a Big Job. Are we ready? Is any parent-to-be ever ready? Questions swirl through my head day and night: am I going to be a good mom? Is the baby going to be all right? Will I be able to be the loving mother I so desperately want to be?

Needless to say, we spend a lot of time praying.

I also spend time praying to survive two things. Morning sickness (which should be renamed All-Day-And-All-Night Sickness) and mood swings. Hormones have been driving me crazy. One minute, I'm calm and euphorically happy, the next I'm ready to kill someone. Unfortunately, that someone is usually Tanner, simply because he's the only person around. I alternate between feeling guilty and sorry for him, and plotting revenge when he gives me the Look. You know, the one that guys give women that says "Honey, I love you but please stay at least twenty feet away until you regain your sanity."

I would love, just love, to afflict him with female hormones for just twenty minutes. Just twenty minutes!

Maybe twenty minutes would be too mean. Ten? Five? It wouldn't take much!

The mood swings are by far the worst part, worse than the constant nausea and vertigo. I'm also tired all the time, and simple household chores are nearly impossible. I can't even cook for myself, as food preparation sends my stomach over the edge. Tanner is handling all this calmly and doesn't seem phazed by my sudden helplessness, but I HATE IT. I've always hated feeling vulnerable. I take independence far beyond where I should, so this is a bitter pill indeed. Humility lesson, perhaps?

I still don't "feel" pregnant. I feel different (usually sick!) but not pregnant. I know there's a child inside me, but I can't "feel" it yet, physically or emotionally. That's probably what I look forward to most: the day when I can physically FEEL this new life inside me!

Tanner, I think, is most looking forward to when I start to show. He keeps standing at a distance, squinting at my belly from all angles, hoping it will magically start to grow!

We spend a lot of time looking at photographs of unborn babies, imagining what our child looks like. Sometimes, we sit there for half an hour just looking at one photograph. Then, in unison, we look up at each other and smile. No words. The emotions inside us are too fragile at that moment to find voice.

Okay, well, I'm rambled out for now, plus I need to get to work. I've some writing news as well, but that'll be the subject of another post. If you managed to get through these paragraphs of insanity, I would love to hear your thoughts and input!

Oh, yes, and I'm thinking of starting to swing this blog over to some personal posts, as well as strictly writing posts. Thoughts? Good idea or bad?